Hey, Tim, what the heck is you doing?

Why thank you for asking, hypothetical conversation partner with poor grammar.

Most of you I haven't been keeping up with! I'm sorry--I have a history of being bad at staying in touch. But particularly this last month has been difficult, things have been nonstop crazy...Getting used to living with 7 other people, grocery shopping on a budget, cleaning up our house, figuring out how to use our money and stipend and pay the bills and cleaning up cat poop and how to get the internet working and community nights and spirituality nights and cooking for 8 and trying to relax and dealing with getting used to work and just about anything you can think of that could have gone wrong or been complicated (and probably more).

ANYWAY: Let's start somewhere near the beginning.  I had dinner with everyone I love most Friday night. Dinner as a family has grown quite a bit in the last five years, and I have to say it's nice having so much new energy in the house all at once. I spent my last night at home with my parents, my siblings, their significant others and Sara. I couldn't ask for a better way to spend it. Thank you to everyone for making the time to spend that last night with me; it meant so much. Later that night I said goodbye to Sara my beautiful girlfriend by dropping her off to meet her mom in Pennsylvania. That was tough. But I know she'll be OK and so will I.  I spent some time that night with Kevin and Tina because they happened to be spending the night before going to the shore on Saturday. We talked about some of my fears, what I was looking forward to, and simply spent time together. That was quite nice, and I took a final picture with my big brother. Awww. :) I don't think it had quite sunk in yet even that night that this was really it. It felt a little weird but I don't think I was ever really able to process that I was about to be across the country and how difficult that would be.

My plane trip was stressful. I thought I was going to miss my flight from Philly because the line was longer than I have ever seen it before in all of my flights from that airport. I had to say goodbye to my dad at the curb because we could not find parking fast enough. I was freaking out and terrified and quite a mess in general. I said goodbye to my mom and to Jack in a rush and went through security holding back tears. I was held back by security (already running late for my plane) because I forgot to take my huge bag of medicine out for the x-ray.

I got on board just at the final boarding call and couldn't catch my breath until we had been in the air for ten minutes. I tried to let my fears go but nothing would settle me down. I tried to remind myself that I had been working toward this moment for more than a year, that I was strong enough and had enough support from everyone at home to make it through.

 It didn't really work.

 Eventually I just fell asleep. In Denver I had plenty of time to sit down and try to collect myself. Then my flight was delayed for more than an hour. But wait! I only had an hour lead-time to meet JVC at the airport! I called frantically and was assured I would make the bus group. Nothing was going right. It was hard to convince myself that all of these things were not signs telling me I should turn back and quit before I even started.

So I flew to Denver after talking to my parents and Sara and trying to make peace with leaving everyone in such a messy way. I still haven't quite gotten over how my goodbyes to my family went.

I flew into San Jose because our week-long orientation was up in northern California. After I got my luggage I went to where I was told to meet up with the JVC group-- "the big group next to the escalator." When I first got there I wound up standing around with a different volunteer group and I was pretty sure I was in the wrong spot because these people seemed to know one another. Awkwaaaard. Eventually I figured it out and walked around the steps to find the right group.

OK, I thought, I made it. Everything's going to be better from here.

That wasn't exactly accurate. I couldn't recover the entire day. Sure, I met my housemates, and that was exciting. Sure, I was in this big group retreat-like setting that I always thrived in at Cabrini but I couldn't get over how far away I was. How terrible my morning was. How much I missed my family and Sara and just anyone that I knew even a little bit. I was on the verge of tears for probably the first two days. I sat alone on the bus ride to camp trying to collect myself. Falling asleep, thinking about everyone I love and how very far away and remote and small I felt in that moment. Everyone was talking and chatting and getting to know one another but I had no taste for it at that moment. I just wanted to hide away.

It was really hard to get over that feeling at first. I remembered during orientation just how shy I am naturally. I've grown a lot in the last four years and even though I still considered myself pretty shy I had people last year tell me they couldn't believe that because they only met me in the last year. I had people telling me how much I had grown. So I went into JVC thinking that even though it would still be a bit of work I could totally handle that; after all, this kind of thing I'm going into was what I did all throughout college!

But here's the thing--there was no one around that I felt safe with. At Cabrini, after my first year, there were always one or two people that I felt comfortable enough around to kind of let my guard down with, which made it easier to flourish. It's been a month and I still haven't been able to completely let my guard down and let myself out. I don't feel like myself. It's a much bigger challenge than I had counted on. But I'll get to all of that later...

So while Camp St. Francis (where our orientation took place) was a safe place to meet everyone and relax before being thrown into the year I never got to the comfortable place where I felt safe to really socialize. Everyone in the Santa Clara Program Office is fantastic and my housemates are great, but it is one of my personal challenges this year to force myself not to retreat into myself like I used to always do in high school and early on in college. I don't want to be that person again--but I have really felt like it in the last month. I feel like that at work, too, and I should have known that it would be more challenging than I expected it to be. I mean, part of why I am doing JVC is to learn how to better relate to people and overcome these fears, but I didn't realize how much baggage I was still carrying with me every day.

But anyway--the camp! Boy was it a beautiful place, that definitely helped me acclimate a little bit. The views were simply incredible.

I have realized lately I find a lot of solace in the outside world. I love being in nature, being surrounded by the vastness of everything. Standing at the ocean and simply being in awe of how small I am. It brings me immense peace knowing there is something so much larger than me out there. I feel God's presence a great deal in those moments.

Being on the beach was a surreal experience, I've never been on the Pacific before. And the sky! Man, at night on the beach the stars were simply beautiful. I love just staring into the sky for the same reason I love being at the edge of the ocean. I have learned to find God a lot more recently in the world around me.

I spent a lot of time in prayer during orientation. Partially because we began every morning in prayer, partially because I simply needed it to keep myself from feeling so alone. But being surrounded by such beauty gave me a great chance to simply be--something that I think I needed at the beginning of this year. Everything for me was a chance to find God and connect with that on a deeper level than I have thought about in a long time. I reflected a lot about my place, about my relationship with my faith and spirituality and how I relate to it. I found myself often simply standing at the cliff overlooking the beach, staring into the sky and centering myself in the idea that I am still connected to everyone I love so far away. We share the same sky; the same ocean; the same world. I share that with everyone. It's something I've never really thought about before but after that week I find peace in more and more.

The thing about orientation was, though, it never really felt like anything was different. It was such a familiar atmosphere. It felt like just another retreat; but it was necessary. It was nice to have that familiarity with the formula, it was something I knew and felt comfortable with. I slowly began to find a foothold among these new people, but it really was a process. It's a process I am not finished with. But I'll get there.

The first night we had mass on the beach, which was simply an awesome experience.  I mean that in the literal definition of awesome--something that inspires awe. It was one of those first moments where I really felt like this was something completely different from anything in my life. I don't remember what our priest said in his homily but it really helped me settle down after the rough travel day. There's something special about being in nature and communing with a group of strangers for a single purpose, all while the sun sets. That mass we also had a short prayer service where we tied ribbon around a cross as prayer intentions that will remain with us throughout our year and will follow us through our future retreats until the end of the year. I'm not usually much of one for symbolism but there was something cathartic about forming my prayers into something tangible. I've been shouldering a lot since the first day and dealing with insecurities I thought had  gone away years ago that I was completely blindsided by. I never once before the day I left thought about what would be hard for me or even that it would be hard. I thought I had overcome everything that could be an issue. And so that mass let me start the healing process a little bit. The process still continues. I don't think it will ever be complete, but that's OK. I came into this year expecting to challenge myself. It is simply a larger challenge than I thought.

Tying our prayer intentions to the cross

Mass on the beach

Looking back I don't regret dealing with my shyness, or needing time to adjust, because it also allowed me to focus on myself a great deal, which I sorely needed. It let me begin to explore my spirituality in a deep way, which is another big reason why I wanted JVC over other programs. The presentations and speakers gave us a lot of useful tips and a lot of warnings that we might not have even realized we needed at the time. Orientation was less about bonding with the rest of the JVs (though that was part of it) and more about giving each of us something we all needed: time to focus on ourselves and our reasons for doing this program. If anything the hardships have strengthened my resolve; the time I received for reflection has made me more determined to overcome my challenges. And though everything for me is still in the beginning stage I'm not afraid I won't get there. I have to own my insecurities and fears in order to work on them. I had to meet them head-on all at once, but it doesn't mean I have to fix it all over night. I simply have to let myself feel my emotions...something I've never been good at.

There are still a lot of personal struggles. I'm going to talk about that a lot more in the next post about what the time in LA itself has been like, but for now I'll leave it with the fact that I am, ultimately, grateful for this opportunity despite the difficulties. Maybe even partially because of them; I think I am already discovering new things about myself and important lessons which I arrogantly thought I had already learned. 

But for now...more pictures!

Casa Dorothy Kazel at the Commissioning Mass

The California sun takes some getting used to...Even up north where it's chilly

The Santa Clara Office JVs! Basically all of us in California.