Giving thanks

It is the night before Thanksgiving and I am beginning to feel a little sad. I suppose it's natural--Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday not because I love turkey (but it helps) but because to me it has always been about the intentional sharing of time, breaking bread with people I care about. A chance to simply gather and be present to the people we love and be mindful of all of our wonderful gifts. Being away from home, I knew, would be tough on Thanksgiving, but I think I might be underestimating it if I feel it already today.

But even in that there is so much to be thankful for and to continue to be cognizant of.

I spent the last two evenings at Verbum Dei taking part in homeless awareness week. Campus Ministry organized a sleepout in solidarity and a number of students, as well as faculty and staff, slept out through the night with nothing but cardboard and sleeping bags on Verb's campus. It was a very enlightening experience, not so much for what I got out of it through sleeping outside (it wasn't that hard for me...I swear it's colder in  my house than it was these last two fairly mild nights--mid-50s isn't all that cold, as I'm sure all you eastcoasters will agree) but more because of what the students learned from it. I honestly didn't feel like there was all that much to the experience--yes we slept outdoors but before that they were playing on the computer, or messing around, or doing homework. But, I think the speakers we had struck them.

I am also trying to keep in mind how much more homelessness is part of their lives--the area they live in, the neighborhood Verbum Dei is located, are full of people without homes. And I was especially struck by how much they seemed to grow in understanding, and even that they were willing to take part in this week, given how exposed to it they are on such a common basis. I think at that age it would be a lot easier to just be creeped out or annoyed by it. But they went out of their way to try and understand those circumstances, which I think is incredibly cool and inspiring.

The boys reacted a lot to what we did and had great things to say in discussion--a lot of them recognized the difficult and diverse factors that could cause someone to become homeless. And if they didn't before a lot of them began to learn and change their perspective.

Some common themes: being thankful for what we have, changing the conversation about homelessness (not demeaning them with names, encouraging others to rethink their stereotypes), giving them attention in some way, even small ones, like a smile or a short exchange if not a full blown conversation, and simply not making snap judgments about how they got into that situation. Many of them had never considered how many possible ways or reasons there are for homelessness: natural disaster, domestic violence, mental illness, the general poor nature of the economy and job market, lack of affordable housing and so with all of those possible reasons many for the first time realized that it isn't necessarily a person's bad choices that leads them to the streets.

Many of the boys admitted to having certain assumptions--if not laziness, then drug abuse or even some kind of enjoyment out of being without a home--but through our speakers, a woman who was formerly homeless (who sadly, I missed), one of the boys' fathers who works at LAMP (a local shelter) and the discussions and experiences of other students and some of the staff, they started to see that many assumptions are simply stereotypes and are harmful.

One of the guys on the last night of reflection briefly shared his experience with homelessness; when he was in eighth grade his mother fled an abusive husband in the middle of the night. They spent several months at family's homes and traveling around in different places. He struggled with depression and weight gain, but luckily in the end they were able to get back onto their feet. His household still struggles a great deal with money, but he said he grew a great deal from the experience. And he's a smart kid, one of the top in the class. He has dreams of traveling to the east coast, specifically Washington DC and I think he can get just about anywhere he wants to go.

Another student shared a story about simply sharing a meal with a man who often sat outside of a Chinese restaurant he frequents.

The way these boys showed their openness to growth, their desire to learn, and a level of awareness of the great things in their life really inspired me. I was inspired even more by the stories the two aforementioned students shared.

There isn't a better time to do an event like this than Thanksgiving, when we take time out of our busy lives to assess and profess the blessings in our lives, and all of these events made me incredibly thankful to be here in LA this year.

I am thankful for this opportunity to take part in JVC. That I can voluntarily take a year out of my life and choose to live this way. That I have been granted a chance to share in the experience of these boys as they grow into men, and see through their eyes a world that I could never have experienced because of who I am. I am thankful for my housemates and extended community in LA who have provided me laughs and support these three months. I am thankful for my family for supporting me and loving me throughout my life. For being there for me to cry with. For taking care of me when I was ill so I could grow into who I am today. For a roof over my head. For having so many possible opportunities for next year and beyond.  I am thankful for Sara. For reminding me that I am a person worth investing in. For listening and accepting all of my insecurities, doubts, and imperfections. For being willing to go through the strain of a long distance relationship. For eight fantastic months. I am thankful for yet another year of continued health. I am thankful for all of my friends at home, from Cabrini. Though I have done an incredibly poor job of keeping in touch, you have all, each of you reading this, been amazing, beautiful, fantastic parts of my life, helped contribute positively to forming me into who I am, and I cannot convey enough how glad I am to have met so many amazing people! I am thankful for my education, and the fact that applying to college was so easy for me. I am thankful for today. I am thankful that I won't wake up tomorrow wondering what I might eat or where I might have to sleep.

I am thankful. So thankful.  Life is beautiful.

A Fall Visit Home

October was a bit of a hectic month for me and there were a couple of extra days worked over the weekends. Which I did not mind at all. But I decided to use that time as an opportunity to make a short visit home to see my family and Sara! Well, it was supposed to be short, in the end I spent a week at home due to Hurricane Sandy. I suppose worse things have happened. :)

 It was really great seeing my family and Sara again. I've been incredibly homesick and it felt good to be around familiar faces and people who I love. On Thursday night, my first night home I traveled to Cabrini to visit Fr. Carl (who had no idea I was coming!) and Stephanie and have dinner with Campus Ministry at President George's swanky digs. That was all such a fantastic feeling; it reminded me where I'm coming from and it was just plain fun to hang out with some great people. It was like no time had passed.

Looking good takes work, folks...

The next day I visited Dr. Wright and Dr. Filling a little bit and talked grad-school plans because I'm trying to keep all of my options right now and that is a very real one! After that Sara and I went to Linvilla Orchards to enjoy fall! We picked pumpkins, went on a hayride followed by a bonfire with marshmallows and apple cider. It was a beautiful day and so much fun. I've had so much fun traveling and getting out and doing different things with Sara in the five months before coming to LA and spending the day with her again it was as if we hadn't even been apart.

And I can't even begin to explain how much I missed fall! I never realized how much I loved the season until I didn't have it. Maybe I wouldn't have even known it if I didn't come to visit. And I picked the perfect time; it was just when the leaves were getting their most colorful and before the trees started to become bare. Cabrini's campus is beautiful (and a large reason why I chose the school) and it is so year 'round but it's hard to top fall there. You can't beat the East Coast in October. You just can't.

Fall! Ah how I missed the scenery of home.

Picking the right pumpkins is a skill...We both have it.

A picture from our relaxing hayride through the Orchards. Great chance to see fall up close!

So us, right?

Well, after we left Linvilla, we decided to return to the site of our first date, The Cheesecake Factory! Sara was craving some pumpkin cheesecake, because she loves all things pumpkin flavored in the fall. And who can blame her? After that, I stopped at home and saw my parents! Later still, we carved our pumpkins. Can you guess whose is whose? The next day I had dinner with my parents, grandparents, and Aunt Dorothy. It was muchos fun and incredibly relaxing.

Saturday night I crashed my brother's Halloween party--Kevin, Bridget, Tina, and Paul had no idea I was coming home and they were quite surprised to see me. It was awesome seeing them all again and even better to do it as a surprise.

Sunday night the original plan was to hang out at Cabrini and go to mass, which I was looking forward to a lot, I've missed that aspect of the Cabrini community immensely, but unfortunately, Hurricane Sandy was on the way and campus was asked to leave. Bummer!  On the bright side though, it did interfere with my flight and I wound up "stranded" at home with loved ones. Oh noooooo!!!

Those last few days at home were incredibly refreshing, fun, and invigorating. I've been struggling a lot with homesickness and it was nice to just sit around and play board games with Jack and Sara and just be around my mom and dad.

Being home was like a reset button for me emotionally. Having spent the last couple months around brand new people and having to stress about and exert so much effort into getting to know them it was a soothing reminder to simply be with people I know and love. It's so easy to take for granted that kind of relationship, and I have always tried to be very mindful of how blessed I am to have that at home, but to have not had that for a significant period of time now, to be with people so familiar and loving again was an amazing reminder of how important and life-giving it is.

My last night home Sara and I decided we needed to get out of the house--and so we grabbed a pair of ten-dollar Sixers tickets and made our way to the Wells Fargo Center. To our surprise, it was the season opener! It was a lot of fun, and they had a lot of different things to do, and in fact we missed the first half of the game exploring the place--because I have never been to the Center before, and Sara had never even been to a Sixers game! They had a craft table to color in signs, balloon hats and animals and Sara even got her face painted!

They even had Fix-it Felix Jr!

The night before leaving was incredibly difficult. More than I thought, actually. Leaving Jack again was oddly heartbreaking (odd simply because I didn't expect it) and even the thought of being away from family and Sara and the things that bring me comfort that I don't have to work at was heart-rending for a little while.

But the morning on my drive to the airport I held Sara's hand, looked out into the Philadelphia skyline as the sun was only beginning to rise and I felt calm. These things are part of who I am and distance, in the end, while difficult, does not make them less so. I am comforted in the knowledge that I will always have a place to call home full of people who love and support me...and that is the greatest gift I could ever hope for.

Courage

So often we think of courage as the "absence of fear." An invulnerability and almost superhuman idea that we, as imperfect beings can eschew something so fundamental to the human experience. But that's not really it, is it? No, we are all afraid of things. This year I am learning that more and more from the people I live with--my fears are not solitary and it is comforting to know that it does not make me weak to be afraid. Courage is not the absence of fear...it is the ability to overcome it, the will to climb those mountains. If there's one thing I learned from Green Lantern comics over the last few years it's that courage without fear is not healthy, and to be afraid is to admit we are human. What makes us brave or strong is the decision to work through that fear. Hal Jordan, Kyle Rayner, John Stewart, and Guy Gardner are Green Lanterns not because they're "men without fear," but because they have "The ability to overcome great fear." And that's something kind of cool...that we normal people can overcome the things that scare us and be stronger for it. We have to accept our fear, look it in the eye, and then punch it in the face. That's what the Sinestro Corps War was about, I think.

In brightest day, in blackest night no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil's might beware my power...

People have sometimes called me brave for things I had no control over. For dealing with Crohn's, for going through the feeding tube, the surgery, the years of illness. But I never had a choice over those things. I didn't overcome anything. At least, I never thought I did. If you can even call those ten years living, I guess I persevered.

My last few years have been about trying to rediscover who I am not as defined by my Crohn's. To face fears of making friends, building relationships, finding what I'm good at. At college I accomplished a lot of that, overcame many fears, but I am realizing it was never fully conquered. There is still so much to learn about courage, about who I am, and how I can move past the things that make me afraid.
I feel guilty very often. I cannot place why. This year, leaving home, leaving family, my girlfriend-- the life I knew-- behind, I have been dealing with that a lot. It has proved incredibly challenging in being present to my work and community here. Where does the guilt stem from? Why does it so often feel like I have done something wrong? Every decision I make I second guess. I have always been this way. Are my decisions negatively effecting anyone? Hurting them? They could be. Throughout my life I have been afraid to make friends for fear that I was imposing--guilty for infringing on there time. Do I simply feel as if I take more than I give? That I need and want thing so badly that I only view my relationships insofar as they benefit me, or that I am the only one who is privileged to be in what is supposed to be a give-and-take relationship? Perhaps I have not found my value, yet. Maybe part of why I feel guilty is simply because I am afraid to accept that I have a purpose and strength and gifts to share. That people could possibly want to be in my life. Who am I to be special?

At Cabrini I had things which brought me comfort. I had goals--tangible, concrete ones. This brought me pride and real results. But now as I go forward beyond college...I am afraid of what comes next. What do those skills I learned in college really offer me in the next phase of my life? How does my high GPA translate into success? How can I continue benefitting others the way I want to do and have done so much at Cabrini? It's hard to be courageous when you don't know what your strengths are. How do you overcome fear when you feel completely unequipped?

JVC was a decision I made because I knew there was more growing I needed to do, but I am realizing how much my life is still defined by my time struggling with Crohn's Disease. People have told me that I am brave for doing this...but I haven't felt particularly brave the last few months. Is it courage to simply persevere? I don't know. I have had a hard time facing those fears that I look at every day: shyness, knowledge, skill, compassion. The courage to be open and stop being afraid that my presence is a burden to others. I have to own myself. I am defined by what I could not do for so long that I still don't know what I can do. I still don't know who I really am--where my passions lie.  I've realized lately I've never thought about the future becasue I've been so afraid that the future could be taken from me because of my illness. It was easier to just figure it out as I go so I didn't have to be disappointed.

But recently I've wanted to dream, to imagine. I suppose I have to as far as careers go. But that all requires that I face my fears of inadequacy, shyness, lack of value, and figure out who I am and what I enjoy, to look at my relationships and find what is there that people have responded to. To examine what makes those things work, how I can bolster them, and how I can continue to make more. Because I care about so many people, people I haven't met, people I barely know, and in order to be fully able to find a way to continue to help others I have to have the courage to be vulnerable, to own my fears and not let them stop me.
But fear can be all consuming. Where has my courage come from? What is my model of courage? What brings me hope when things are tough? Well, I often turn to super heroes for inspiration. Perhaps this is a naive notion, but I don't really think so. I believe the reason that they are such a part of our entire culture is because they show us all our greatest hope, our truest potential: that there are people who put everything before themselves and use their gifts to help others. There's something deeper at play in the existence of Superman in our world. It's Superman that shows us all what we can aspire toward, what we can do for one another.

“I don’t believe that the world is broken. Because when we say the world, we’re really talking about people. It’s always been my belief that people, at their core, are good. The grace of mankind is everywhere. You just have to open your eyes. Humanity has a limitless potential for good. My purpose is to help people reach that potential.”

Last year I wrote a paper that I am very proud of on Superman and in it I explored the relevence of Superman as a character and the superhero as a genre, and it made me even more proud to care so much about these characters and this often maligned genre. Superman is one of my greatest inspirations, and he keeps me hopeful about this world. Because if this supremely powerful character can exist and the culture at large can still believe a man like him could be there to benefit us all, then that speaks to something incredibly positive inside all of us if that dream can persist for more than 70 years.

I titled my blog what I did for a reason, because when I am sad I turn to super heroes to remind me why I should keep going. Because we can all benefit others, because we can all be hope for others, because we can all do something. And Superman believes in us all, fights for truth, justice, and the American way. For freedom, for equality, for the right to dream. The quote beneath my blog title comes from one of my favorite comics, "What's So Funny About, Truth, Justice, and the American Way?" and speaks to me on a new level as I go through this year. There's nothing wrong with believing in a better world and dreaming of a future. It's not out of reach, it's just a matter of each of us pitching in, working together...and being a little more like Superman.

"Dreams save us. Dreams lift us up and transform us. And on my soul I swear… until my dream of a world where dignity, honor and justice becomes the reality we all share… I’ll never stop fighting. Ever.”

I have kept Superman in my life since I arrived in California. At orientation one of the activities was to draw our idea of "God." I drew Superman's symbol, not because I see a correlation between the two but because to me, the ideal of Superman is the Christian ideal. He represents a pure sense of optimism and belief in good in this world that is simply not found anywhere else in the 21st century. To me, Superman represents the beauty of the human spirit, and the best in all of us.

But what does this all have to do with courage? Because Superman reminds me to be courageous. My family reminds me to be courageous, my girlfriend, my friends, my casamates. Because we are all in this together, and I owe it to each of them as much as to myself to discover who I am and what I have to offer and face my fears and be courageous. So that I can be a better man for them and, perhaps as importantly I am realizing for the first time, for myself. I cannot continue to hide. The first step is to simply stand up. After all, like Superman reminds us in one of the most powerful single pages in the history of comic books...

"It's never as bad as it seems. You're much stronger than you think you are. Trust me."

I'm not alone. None of us are. We are all human. We all battle with our fears, our own super villains. But that's what makes us human. And we all have the ability to overcome great fear.

Normal Activity

Today, the director of Paranormal Activity came to Verb to talk to the Film Club. I'm not a particular fan of that movie (in fact I rather dislike it) but I wasn't going to say no to an opportunity to hear someone speak about the film industry.

So in general it was pretty interesting, the way Paranormal Activity was made and distributed is very strange and uncommon, but as a whole there was nothing particularly noteworthy. In fact, the guy seems like a one-trick pony (he hasn't made anything since the first one, really). I already don't remember much of what he said.

But at the end of his Q&A, one of the students asked what he would change about the film industry. He said he'd want to see less people in it just to make lots of money at the expense of the art. Then the student was asked what he would like to see changed, to which the young man responded, "More diversity. There's hardly any African Americans in movies."

Well, that really struck me. I was taken aback by the fact that this student is already incredibly aware of the disparity in our society between those of us who are white and minorities. Working here has already made me much more sensitive about the need for change in our society in terms of economic opportunity, yes but even just in the way we promote what is normal through TV, and movies, and every other facet of pop culture that feeds our cultural view of what is "normal," or preferred.

I've noticed the race-gap in TV and movies, (I'm well aware that there haven't been any black superheroes on the big screen, yet.) but it doesn't affect me very much so I don't really think about it at all. I never realized how prevalent and obvious it must be to people who aren't white (or straight, or have disabilities). It's something that people must pick up on quickly. There aren't very many famous people to be role models because the entertainment industry is so primarily white and we just tend to display that as normal and ignore, and I'm not saying it's purposeful, the fact that America is so diverse.

And many of the most prevelant African Americans in pop culture tend to be rappers and that whole culture isn't exactly a positive message for young people, and there are times in my day-to-day where I can definitely see that desire to identify with that part of culture crop up. Part of it, too, comes from the neighborhoods in this area that are so filled with crime and gangs and things of that nature, but there is an air around so many of these boys that they have to put on a tough face and have an attitude and be difficult.

I was reading a few personal statements for college apps recently, and one student wrote about  how growing up he thought he had to be a tough guy to be popular, to meet girls, and be successful.  He grew up in Inglewood, which has a lot of gang activity. He talked about how all he cared about was getting girls like the gangmembers and tough dudes in his school. He went on to explain, however, that there was a local gang that had a problem with latinos and one day walking home from the bus he was mugged. Deciding he had to keep his tough guy image, he wasn't willing to cooperate and wound up with a gun to his head. He explained that this experience changed his entire system of values, and he realized that his perception had been skewed and that if he really wanted a good life and a successful life he should focus on his academics, go to college, and then become a positive role model for other people like him from areas like his. I'm sure this young man isn't the only one with a story like this, and the opportunity Verb provides is simply amazing.

Back to the original observation about lack of diversity...it's such a simple, obvious thing, and yet I never really considered the ramifications of it. Obviously I have known that this was a thing that existed, I've talked about it, I've read about it, I've observed it, but knowing it in my head is a different thing than being here with young people who are very aware of it, who live with those implications and point them out. I never really understood how much it plays into people's lives. That, and what the kids on the Urban Plunge observed about noticing the number of minorities  that were coming in for food really make me feel that inequality for the first time.

And it really angers me. There is no reason that someone should feel abnormal or less important than anyone else just because they're from somewhere else, because their skin color is different. Why should that be such a factor in your economic future? Why should it be a yardstick for how much you are able to think you can accomplish simply because there are less people like you who are successful? Or at least not as many depicted as being successful. There needs to be a change in the way our society functions, the way we consider our economy and the people who are poor, because we all deserve to have the opportunity to never have to consider yourself abnormal.

And as this is election day I can't help but wonder what tomorrow brings. Because I firmly believe that if one of the two candidates is elected then these boys and millions more like them will feel even more marginalized, it will be even more difficult for smart, passionate, good kids from poor  neighborhoods to succeed, and why? Because their parents need food stamps and can't find a job. And that's their fault, according to so many people in this country. This is not the way we should treat others. I wish everyone could just see what I see every day...there is no rich or poor or middle class person. There are only people.