Courage

So often we think of courage as the "absence of fear." An invulnerability and almost superhuman idea that we, as imperfect beings can eschew something so fundamental to the human experience. But that's not really it, is it? No, we are all afraid of things. This year I am learning that more and more from the people I live with--my fears are not solitary and it is comforting to know that it does not make me weak to be afraid. Courage is not the absence of fear...it is the ability to overcome it, the will to climb those mountains. If there's one thing I learned from Green Lantern comics over the last few years it's that courage without fear is not healthy, and to be afraid is to admit we are human. What makes us brave or strong is the decision to work through that fear. Hal Jordan, Kyle Rayner, John Stewart, and Guy Gardner are Green Lanterns not because they're "men without fear," but because they have "The ability to overcome great fear." And that's something kind of cool...that we normal people can overcome the things that scare us and be stronger for it. We have to accept our fear, look it in the eye, and then punch it in the face. That's what the Sinestro Corps War was about, I think.

In brightest day, in blackest night no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil's might beware my power...

People have sometimes called me brave for things I had no control over. For dealing with Crohn's, for going through the feeding tube, the surgery, the years of illness. But I never had a choice over those things. I didn't overcome anything. At least, I never thought I did. If you can even call those ten years living, I guess I persevered.

My last few years have been about trying to rediscover who I am not as defined by my Crohn's. To face fears of making friends, building relationships, finding what I'm good at. At college I accomplished a lot of that, overcame many fears, but I am realizing it was never fully conquered. There is still so much to learn about courage, about who I am, and how I can move past the things that make me afraid.
I feel guilty very often. I cannot place why. This year, leaving home, leaving family, my girlfriend-- the life I knew-- behind, I have been dealing with that a lot. It has proved incredibly challenging in being present to my work and community here. Where does the guilt stem from? Why does it so often feel like I have done something wrong? Every decision I make I second guess. I have always been this way. Are my decisions negatively effecting anyone? Hurting them? They could be. Throughout my life I have been afraid to make friends for fear that I was imposing--guilty for infringing on there time. Do I simply feel as if I take more than I give? That I need and want thing so badly that I only view my relationships insofar as they benefit me, or that I am the only one who is privileged to be in what is supposed to be a give-and-take relationship? Perhaps I have not found my value, yet. Maybe part of why I feel guilty is simply because I am afraid to accept that I have a purpose and strength and gifts to share. That people could possibly want to be in my life. Who am I to be special?

At Cabrini I had things which brought me comfort. I had goals--tangible, concrete ones. This brought me pride and real results. But now as I go forward beyond college...I am afraid of what comes next. What do those skills I learned in college really offer me in the next phase of my life? How does my high GPA translate into success? How can I continue benefitting others the way I want to do and have done so much at Cabrini? It's hard to be courageous when you don't know what your strengths are. How do you overcome fear when you feel completely unequipped?

JVC was a decision I made because I knew there was more growing I needed to do, but I am realizing how much my life is still defined by my time struggling with Crohn's Disease. People have told me that I am brave for doing this...but I haven't felt particularly brave the last few months. Is it courage to simply persevere? I don't know. I have had a hard time facing those fears that I look at every day: shyness, knowledge, skill, compassion. The courage to be open and stop being afraid that my presence is a burden to others. I have to own myself. I am defined by what I could not do for so long that I still don't know what I can do. I still don't know who I really am--where my passions lie.  I've realized lately I've never thought about the future becasue I've been so afraid that the future could be taken from me because of my illness. It was easier to just figure it out as I go so I didn't have to be disappointed.

But recently I've wanted to dream, to imagine. I suppose I have to as far as careers go. But that all requires that I face my fears of inadequacy, shyness, lack of value, and figure out who I am and what I enjoy, to look at my relationships and find what is there that people have responded to. To examine what makes those things work, how I can bolster them, and how I can continue to make more. Because I care about so many people, people I haven't met, people I barely know, and in order to be fully able to find a way to continue to help others I have to have the courage to be vulnerable, to own my fears and not let them stop me.
But fear can be all consuming. Where has my courage come from? What is my model of courage? What brings me hope when things are tough? Well, I often turn to super heroes for inspiration. Perhaps this is a naive notion, but I don't really think so. I believe the reason that they are such a part of our entire culture is because they show us all our greatest hope, our truest potential: that there are people who put everything before themselves and use their gifts to help others. There's something deeper at play in the existence of Superman in our world. It's Superman that shows us all what we can aspire toward, what we can do for one another.

“I don’t believe that the world is broken. Because when we say the world, we’re really talking about people. It’s always been my belief that people, at their core, are good. The grace of mankind is everywhere. You just have to open your eyes. Humanity has a limitless potential for good. My purpose is to help people reach that potential.”

Last year I wrote a paper that I am very proud of on Superman and in it I explored the relevence of Superman as a character and the superhero as a genre, and it made me even more proud to care so much about these characters and this often maligned genre. Superman is one of my greatest inspirations, and he keeps me hopeful about this world. Because if this supremely powerful character can exist and the culture at large can still believe a man like him could be there to benefit us all, then that speaks to something incredibly positive inside all of us if that dream can persist for more than 70 years.

I titled my blog what I did for a reason, because when I am sad I turn to super heroes to remind me why I should keep going. Because we can all benefit others, because we can all be hope for others, because we can all do something. And Superman believes in us all, fights for truth, justice, and the American way. For freedom, for equality, for the right to dream. The quote beneath my blog title comes from one of my favorite comics, "What's So Funny About, Truth, Justice, and the American Way?" and speaks to me on a new level as I go through this year. There's nothing wrong with believing in a better world and dreaming of a future. It's not out of reach, it's just a matter of each of us pitching in, working together...and being a little more like Superman.

"Dreams save us. Dreams lift us up and transform us. And on my soul I swear… until my dream of a world where dignity, honor and justice becomes the reality we all share… I’ll never stop fighting. Ever.”

I have kept Superman in my life since I arrived in California. At orientation one of the activities was to draw our idea of "God." I drew Superman's symbol, not because I see a correlation between the two but because to me, the ideal of Superman is the Christian ideal. He represents a pure sense of optimism and belief in good in this world that is simply not found anywhere else in the 21st century. To me, Superman represents the beauty of the human spirit, and the best in all of us.

But what does this all have to do with courage? Because Superman reminds me to be courageous. My family reminds me to be courageous, my girlfriend, my friends, my casamates. Because we are all in this together, and I owe it to each of them as much as to myself to discover who I am and what I have to offer and face my fears and be courageous. So that I can be a better man for them and, perhaps as importantly I am realizing for the first time, for myself. I cannot continue to hide. The first step is to simply stand up. After all, like Superman reminds us in one of the most powerful single pages in the history of comic books...

"It's never as bad as it seems. You're much stronger than you think you are. Trust me."

I'm not alone. None of us are. We are all human. We all battle with our fears, our own super villains. But that's what makes us human. And we all have the ability to overcome great fear.