Further Simple Living

We had our first casa discussion on simple living--while we did not make any concrete decisions, it was the first time we truly talked about it as a community. Our program coordinator Glenn is staying with us  for a week--as a support, a checkup, etc, after the first two months. He read us a brief passage and gave us a list of questions about simple living to reflect on. This is what I wrote.

What Glenn read us tonight brings a new thought about simple living, a moment of clairvoyance or connection for me, if you will--the distillation of things to be more grateful of our gifts. The true gifts: our life, our opportunities, health. This moment. This day. This, I did not realize is what speaks to me most about simple living-- the joy I found in my service immersion experiences, traveling to these places where each average, every day gift we take advantage of is something to cherish was the greatest gift of those weeks. It is how I've tried to live my life since the morning I awoke from my surgery and the pain that had been constant for ten, twelve years was gone. Every day I remember that pain, the exhaustion Crohn's brought me and every day these last four years has been a gift. I have been so thankful for the new life of energy and joy I have discovered these last few years. New friends, new experiences; new life every day.

From simple living I hope to examine the depths of those gifts more deeply. Where joy lies beyond the every day conveniences we rely on--soft clothes from the dryer, long, hot showers, clean dishes in minutes. To find joy in my lifelong circumstance perhaps in contrast to the boys at Verb or the people without homes on Skid Row.

My life has been an inward one due to illness for so long and so my hobbies involve collection and consumption. Collecting comic books, DVDs, toys, video games. Where is the true joy in my life, where have I found it beyond these things which are fun, at times inspiring, but in the end, unnecessary. I want to examine my place, my gifts, and learn more deeply all there is to be thankful for.

Joy without money. Life without consumption.

Perhaps a better world in the end. If we all lived more simply, would jealousy end? Could conflict be forgotten? Simple living to be a better citizen, friend, neighbor, boyfriend, son. To be open in my heart to relationships on a personal level, a global level, and then maybe I could make a difference--if only one time. If only for one person.

Before this year I thought often about how I would save for things I wanted this year. Things down the line. A couple action figures, some movies. But this year already I am feeling the freedom from that desire for constant consumption, my completionist and collection oriented mind. It is October 11 and I have spent only $5. And that was on a Subway sandwich. I don't feel the compulsion for these things like I did before this year began. Simple living is freeing--a  liberation from the consumerism of our daily life, a countercultural space to defy the values of our society. I have no desire to spend my money or stipend at this moment on anything beyond maybe food, maybe for some sightseeing or during my visits to Sara. But on frivolous things for the sake of a collection? The itch is subsiding, but not completely absent. It is a value I can see carrying on beyond this year.

I sometimes struggle with the why behind some of the things I've chosen to do for simple living--hanging clothes to dry, turning off lights behind me, using less water. But this year is a place to explore the impact of my decisions, perhaps if only as an act of understanding my place in comparison to others. This year is perhaps above anything else a year of exploration and learning. And the lessons are ongoing.

Homecoming

Friday was Verb's big homecoming game, which meant that this week was spirit week. I'm sure everyone remembers how big a deal that is in high school. I remember it being one of the few times I ever found myself getting involved with school--making posters...riding a big wheel in the pep rally races, taking part in our class skit. I was never big on school spirit, but Verbum Dei is a different kind of school and these boys are proud to be Eagles (mostly).

Verb's staff encourages (almost forces) this theme and idea of brotherhood, and the Jesuit value of being "men with and for others." All in preparation for getting these kids from rough backgrounds, in worse cases growing up in homes experiencing missing parents, abuse, poverty, some even living without homes for a time in some cases into college. Verb is a Cristo Rey school, and so part of the curriculum includes a Corporate Work Study Program which gets these guys into real work experience at real jobs around Los Angeles--giving them a huge leg up in college applications and the world in general. They are being given real responsibility and real work, so that they can better understand the purpose and benefits of working hard. More importantly, CWSP (that's what they call it at Verb) provides these young men the opportunity to feel like they have potential, and puts them on level footing with people in the corporate world, thus showing them that they are capable of reaching those goals.

Verb is all about helping these boys reach those goals. It encourages them to get involved, makes it a requirement to join clubs and sports and really push themselves. But most importantly it makes the future achievable by showing them that they have assets to offer these schools.

Check this video out, it gives you a better image of what this school accomplishes than I could. And don't be fooled, this isn't just a fluff piece or an exaggerated story, the things this school does really are amazing.

I watched this video on my first day as an orientation, and it is still as powerful as it was then. Perhaps moreso now. The guy Jesse, who talks about wanting to teach in the city, and maybe at Verb does just that now as part of a teaching fellowship with LMU, and a few of those little guys who speak are bigtime seniors now.

The school is strict--JUGS (detentions) are handed out for most any infraction, and they are held responsible for all of their actions. Dress code violations, not doing homework, not paying attention...they are held to a much higher standard than your average school. Their curriculum is, frankly, astounding, as nearly every student who comes into Verb is a grade or two below what their academic level should be. Not of any fault of their own, they're smart guys, the public school system just fails impoverished areas to an astounding degree. By the time they graduate they are prepared, if not completely ready for college. They work from day-one with the goal of getting into college, and the College Guidance office works with them from the beginning straight-on through. The attention they get from faculty and staff is much different than I ever experienced in high school, they are treated like adults, and yes they get disciplined and such, but they are also respected, not talked down to, and treated with a level of comfort and camaraderie that is not typical of the normal teacher/student relationship.


Anyway...I was talking about homecoming. This week was spirit week, so there were different themes every day leading up to homecoming. Disney Day, Sports Day, 70s Day, Nerd Day, and Friday was Blue and Gold (the school colors.) So not surprisingly the guys got into it because it got them out of their uniforms, but the faculty and staff were also super-into it. I even got into the spirit a little on nerd day and wore my Superman shirt.

Friday was the culmination of that most sacred of high school traditions. Homecoming! The staff made sure this was an appropriately huge deal. There was a shortened schedule and pep rally at the end of the day. The guys got really into it--cheering for their class, stomping their feet, making noise. There were even cheerleaders for a local high school to help bring some added spirit. These guys talk a big game about girls and their football, so it was pretty entertaining to see them applaud the girls. I didn't experience the all-boys thing, but for some of these guys it is a frustration. Most of them get over it, though.

They presented the nominees for homecoming king, and they each made promises about what they'd change at the school (from what little I could hear it was outrageous things like eliminating detention and such) and the degree to which a lot of the guys hammed it up was quite hilarious. A lot of the boys think they are the coolest thing since sliced bread...which I am trying to quit my judgment on--because this is high school and that's what high school kids often think of themselves.

One of the coolest things about the rally was this one nominee for King. He's autistic, but in a way that actually empowers him a great deal--he is fearless. A lot of people are just incredibly self conscious and afraid to just get out there and do things or simply be themselves but this young man is just purely himself and honest. When his name was called the entire room erupted. Teachers and students alike made more noise for him than anyone else. At first I thought there was some irony to this, but I overheard another teacher talking about him at the game, and he explained that the kids react to him very genuinely for his fearlessness. Last year he was the only one not afraid to get out there in front of everyone for a dance-off against the cheerleaders (something they did again this year). He got out there, had fun and hammed it up and everyone at the school appreciated that and responded to it positively. He engages in class and speaks up and is probably one of the most genuine people you'll ever meet... He wound up winning Homecoming King later that night at the game as well, which was awesome. He reprised his dance moves this year at the rally and although he only placed second, the senior class (who he was representing at the dance competition) rushed out of the stands and applauded his effort and gave him props. And well deserved....he was the most entertaining person on the floor.

There were also try-outs for this year's Eagle and while the first two were snoozers the last guy was awesome and cracked us all up.

The game itself was a lot of fun, and although Verb didn't win the game, there was something really exciting and invigorating about being in that space. I felt much more comfortable and at ease than I ever do at work and I even went and chatted with some teachers and staff during the game. It's been a huge process for me to make connections at work with either the students or the professionals and so I made a point last night of going down and standing with them a little bit. I chatted with Jesse (the Verb alum) and Father Mike and genuinely felt like myself for maybe the first time since I've been in California.

There was so much staff support present and I was overcome with a real feeling of community that I had felt ostracized from so far this year. I felt very comfortable and at ease in the stands and cheered the team on. It was awesome to see how into it the students and staff were, it was a genuine desire to see these boys do well and a genuine interest in them as people more than just the football game. I suppose it rubbed off on me.  I never got high school sports, and I think in most cases I still don't. But Verb is a special place and the people who work there are so extremely committed to these students and social justice issues in general. Sitting in the faculty lounge I've heard a lot of very interesting conversations about social injustices and inequality and all sorts of things. These people really care and to be in an environment of well-informed, dedicated men and women is one thing I feel very fortunate for, even if I have yet to feel I am contributing.

As for the game itself, the first half was really exciting--two touchdowns that were pretty much run down the length of the field. But they fell apart after half time, sadly. Most of my housemates came to the game as well and helped cheer on the boys. It was a ton of fun, and I found myself continually wanting to start the (Philadelphia) Eagles chant or the fight song but felt a little self conscious. Maybe next time I'll work up the courage.

Change the Conversation

I received this email today at work from one of the many (very many) local homeless missions in LA. Thought it should be shared. Change the conversation!

"We choose to live simply so that others may simply live"

JVC is founded on four pillars: Community, Spirituality, Simple Living, and Social Justice. Simple living is an interesting element of JVC and a lot of service programs, especially those that are rooted in spirituality. It is also probably the most difficult part to really explain along with community...maybe that'll be another entry.

But. To my point: Simple living is a hard nut to crack, even for myself. And so explaining it to others is really difficult. Why is it important? Why would we go and do this and live on $100 a month and not be completely compensated for our work? Why would we willingly give up comforts and conveniences?

It's hard to explain...and it's hard to do.

Simple living, to me, is about living in solidarity with the community we live in and serve and being intentional about our choices. It includes living on a limited budget--a limited community grocery budget, a limited personal stipend--but it is also more than that. I could go through this year and do nothing else but stick to that budget and that might not necessarily be living simply. Simple living is about understanding how our choices can effect those around us, how small decisions we make every day can have an impact on a bigger scale. So sometimes it involves making sacrifices--shorter showers, using a clothes line to dry instead of a dryer, not having a dishwasher, not having air conditioning, conserving electricity. They seem like really small things but it's about working to cut out some of the things we take for granted every day in normal life in middle class and upper class life in order to be more appreciative of what those every day decisions mean. Maybe I won't spend the rest of my life hanging my clothes out to dry, but this year I have to be very aware of what my electricity and gas budgets are because the money is limited. These kinds of decisions can have a benefit on my life going into the future.

Simple living is about understanding one's place in society and how our actions can be powerful if they are intentional. Access to water is such a world problem and I'm sure it's an issue even among people we live around in LA. By conserving water in my life I can minimize my waste and hopefully I can spread awareness to what an issue water scarcity is. Wars start over access to water, dreams die if water can't be reached...Matt Damon, actually, is a huge advocate for this work and he has a great article about the power of a town well in creating opportunity and economic possibility in the developing world. That's not quite what I'm talking about right now but it's still important. You should read that article, it's fascinating. 

Simple living is about giving up every day conveniences in order to be mindful of how wide the disparity is between where we come from and where we serve. It's about reevaluating every day choices in order to be more informed citizens so that, maybe, we can help bring change and help bring attention to that disparity.

All of that said, I'm struggling with simple living. On the one hand I think I'm doing an OK job at it--I'm mindful of what I spend, how I use water, how often I hang my clothes to dry instead of use a dryer...I don't always do that well, though. When it's not a convenient time to do those things I choose not to because it's easier. Simple living is not easy. It's anything but. I also wonder if those small choices really even make a difference or mean anything or if I'm doing it just for the sake of doign it and inconveniencing myself.

I also struggle with it on deeper levels.

In terms of my health I can't take care of myself on the JVC budget--it requires outside aid. Is that OK with JVC's mission? Am I betraying something by not using my stipend to give myself things I need to keep myself healthy? Is it betraying that solidarity? I can't tell...and it makes me feel like I'm missing out on parts of the experience or I am not committing myself...will I still get and give back what I'm supposed to?

And then there's the matter of the cell phone and technology. I'm in a long distance relationship, and I can't give up use of a phone or my computer all together because although simple living is important to me, that relationship is my greatest priority and I am not willing to give up opportunities to speak with Sara and talk to her. It might be causing some concern among the community, I don't know, but there are sacrifices that I am not willing to make and I may have to address my feelings in that matter.

We have also discussed simple living in our community to a degree. What is the point of it? Why do we do it? We have to be wary of not doing things just for the sake of doing them. Sacrificing things without reason beyond "we have to live simply!" doesn't make sense to me. I also worry about the process of thought that simple living means allowing no pleasure or time for yourself. No convenience, no room for entertainment, etc. We can't allow that to happen, either, because self care is an incredibly important aspect of JVC and with all the hard things we are through we have to allow ourselves a break and a chance to take time for ourselves.

We have access to a car and we've had a lot of discussion about how that is to be used. Its most basic purpose is for myself and Meg to get to work every day. Beyond that--should it be used at all? Does simple living and living in solidarity mean that we should never use it because the homeless don't have access to a car? It's a delicate balance on how we decided it should be used, maybe some people are not satisfied with the answers we found, but I do not think that utilizing a resource is wrong. We have the car provided to us, and making use of privilege or resources shouldn't be something we feel guilt and immense strain over, should it? We have to take care of ourselves, we have to allow ourselves some level of comfort because we should enjoy this year, not go through it miserably in the name of simple living.

People keep asking me why don't I do this or buy this to make things easier? Why don't I just go grab fast food once in a while or buy some snacks since I don't always like what we eat in the house and we have a limited budget to buy groceries and sometimes things are scarce. Tell us to go see this thing or that thing in LA. Ask us why don't we have AC or why don't we get fans or just things that seem so "obvious" to do. Simple living is the reason...we have to find our way.

It's a hard balance to find, it's never going to be easy.

My confession

Here's my dirty little secret:

I have not been happy this last month.

So if I've evaded your questions about how things are in California or how I'm doing it's because I don't really want to admit that the answer is "Not great, I miss home, I miss my girlfriend, I feel like I'm not doing anything at work and am wasting my time. I feel really guilty for not having time for people back home. I feel guilty for being distant from my community to try to make time for people at home. I hate how hot it is here. I hate that I can't just go home and lay in my bed for the weekend and see my little brother and parents like I did at college. I hate not having privacy in this house. I hate that I'm still really shy and it is keeping me from talking to students and the people I work with. I hate that I feel so useless and like a burden to others. But other than that things are great!"

I haven't seen anything in LA yet. I haven't done any work at all, really. I led one of our weekly Saturday Service trips yesterday and that was nice. It helped to remind me why the heck I bothered to try to do this. But on the whole I have felt like I haven't gotten anything I hoped to get out of this initially so far. I should have expected it to be really hard, but the difficulties are not the difficulties I expected. Community life in and of itself doesn't bother me. I like living with people, I kind of like the difficulties of grocery shopping and balancing different tastes and learning different ways of thinking and hearing how different people's perspectives are. I don't mind trying to live on a budget and all of that.

My housemates are really nice, interesting, funny people. There is:

Matt, from North Carolina (UNC Chapel Hill)
Kathryn, from Long Island (University of Scranton, and friends with miss Stephanie Salinis)
Cata, from Portland (Gonzaga University. Also I hope I remembered where she's from correctly.)
Stephanie, from New York (Fordham University.)
Caitlin, from Virginia (Holy Cross in Boston)
Meg, from Boston (Boston College)
Rachel, from Illinois (Xavier University)

Sometimes agenda meetings and such can be tense--but we do a pretty good job at keeping things respectful and comfortable.

But boy it doesn't make the thing I'm struggling with easier. Part of my problem is I don't deal with my emotions and talk about them. It took until almost halfway through September and all of them asking how I'm doing before I finally talked through it a little bit with housemates. It takes a lot for Sara to be able to get anything out of me. The only people I've really admitted it to on a regular basis are my parents (where a few of my revelations even come from) and then on top of that I even feel guilty for just always being so miserable when I talk to them. Which is bizarre...

But everything's not terrible. Some days are just really difficult. I don't know. Some days I feel hopeful, other days I feel like every day for the rest of the year is just going to be stressful and I'll never get any relief and I'll never be able to find any balance between community life and a long distance relationship and work won't pick up and I won't come out of my shell and I'll have wasted my year and everyone's time.

Perhaps these are normal feelings in the first month of a service year. I know from people who have volunteered in the past that sometimes the beginning--even the first half of the year is immensely challenging...it gives me hope.

Some days I have no drive to get out of bed--work is strange because my job isn't a day-to-day necessity like some of my housemates. I don't provide immediate, necessary service like my housemates at My Friend's Place (a homeless drop-in shelter for youth), or Chrysalis (an organization dedicated to finding housing for people without homes) or St. Francis Center (a soup kitchen). They are all extremely challenging jobs but they are also making an impact and right from the beginning were contributing. Sort of...I know it's not that simple. But it sure sounds like they do things on a daily basis. Which is more than I can say. Some days I hardly see any of the Verb boys at all. And when I do I don't know how to make a connection. But even when I do talk to them...that doesn't do anything. I wanted to be here to serve but I feel as if I'm providing nothing.

I'm trying to approach it as a service of being present...but I haven't even really gotten an opportunity to be present to them. It's not as much about the service I coordinate or the applications I help complete (though I haven't even done anything like that...I don't know if it's part of what I do) as much as it is giving time to these kids and learning about their lives and being a positive role model and a source of encouragement.

But I can't even do that.

Every day is a challenge and a struggle and every day I question why it's worth it and many days I can't find an answer. I'm not willing to quit or anything, but sometimes it's difficult to see a bright side or to be optimistic about the future of this year or what comes after. Will it have been worth it? Will I have learned anything? Will I have helped anyone?

I don't know. I hope so.

There are days I feel like work is going to pick up. Like helping to chaperone my service trip on Saturday. Or teaching an SAT Prep course, or like tomorrow when I'll be presenting about involvement  and activities in college. Then there's freshman retreat and the Urban Plunge weekend in October which I'm very excited for. But some days when all I'm doing is filing or copying or just sitting...there's nothing but that incredibly slow crawl of the hands on my watch.

Oh, and I also worry that my coworkers think I'm really rude or something because I'm really shy and never talk or anything. It'd be nice to have a work-friend.

It'd be nice if things were easy. But I guess things that are worth it never are.

Hey, Tim, what the heck is you doing?

Why thank you for asking, hypothetical conversation partner with poor grammar.

Most of you I haven't been keeping up with! I'm sorry--I have a history of being bad at staying in touch. But particularly this last month has been difficult, things have been nonstop crazy...Getting used to living with 7 other people, grocery shopping on a budget, cleaning up our house, figuring out how to use our money and stipend and pay the bills and cleaning up cat poop and how to get the internet working and community nights and spirituality nights and cooking for 8 and trying to relax and dealing with getting used to work and just about anything you can think of that could have gone wrong or been complicated (and probably more).

ANYWAY: Let's start somewhere near the beginning.  I had dinner with everyone I love most Friday night. Dinner as a family has grown quite a bit in the last five years, and I have to say it's nice having so much new energy in the house all at once. I spent my last night at home with my parents, my siblings, their significant others and Sara. I couldn't ask for a better way to spend it. Thank you to everyone for making the time to spend that last night with me; it meant so much. Later that night I said goodbye to Sara my beautiful girlfriend by dropping her off to meet her mom in Pennsylvania. That was tough. But I know she'll be OK and so will I.  I spent some time that night with Kevin and Tina because they happened to be spending the night before going to the shore on Saturday. We talked about some of my fears, what I was looking forward to, and simply spent time together. That was quite nice, and I took a final picture with my big brother. Awww. :) I don't think it had quite sunk in yet even that night that this was really it. It felt a little weird but I don't think I was ever really able to process that I was about to be across the country and how difficult that would be.

My plane trip was stressful. I thought I was going to miss my flight from Philly because the line was longer than I have ever seen it before in all of my flights from that airport. I had to say goodbye to my dad at the curb because we could not find parking fast enough. I was freaking out and terrified and quite a mess in general. I said goodbye to my mom and to Jack in a rush and went through security holding back tears. I was held back by security (already running late for my plane) because I forgot to take my huge bag of medicine out for the x-ray.

I got on board just at the final boarding call and couldn't catch my breath until we had been in the air for ten minutes. I tried to let my fears go but nothing would settle me down. I tried to remind myself that I had been working toward this moment for more than a year, that I was strong enough and had enough support from everyone at home to make it through.

 It didn't really work.

 Eventually I just fell asleep. In Denver I had plenty of time to sit down and try to collect myself. Then my flight was delayed for more than an hour. But wait! I only had an hour lead-time to meet JVC at the airport! I called frantically and was assured I would make the bus group. Nothing was going right. It was hard to convince myself that all of these things were not signs telling me I should turn back and quit before I even started.

So I flew to Denver after talking to my parents and Sara and trying to make peace with leaving everyone in such a messy way. I still haven't quite gotten over how my goodbyes to my family went.

I flew into San Jose because our week-long orientation was up in northern California. After I got my luggage I went to where I was told to meet up with the JVC group-- "the big group next to the escalator." When I first got there I wound up standing around with a different volunteer group and I was pretty sure I was in the wrong spot because these people seemed to know one another. Awkwaaaard. Eventually I figured it out and walked around the steps to find the right group.

OK, I thought, I made it. Everything's going to be better from here.

That wasn't exactly accurate. I couldn't recover the entire day. Sure, I met my housemates, and that was exciting. Sure, I was in this big group retreat-like setting that I always thrived in at Cabrini but I couldn't get over how far away I was. How terrible my morning was. How much I missed my family and Sara and just anyone that I knew even a little bit. I was on the verge of tears for probably the first two days. I sat alone on the bus ride to camp trying to collect myself. Falling asleep, thinking about everyone I love and how very far away and remote and small I felt in that moment. Everyone was talking and chatting and getting to know one another but I had no taste for it at that moment. I just wanted to hide away.

It was really hard to get over that feeling at first. I remembered during orientation just how shy I am naturally. I've grown a lot in the last four years and even though I still considered myself pretty shy I had people last year tell me they couldn't believe that because they only met me in the last year. I had people telling me how much I had grown. So I went into JVC thinking that even though it would still be a bit of work I could totally handle that; after all, this kind of thing I'm going into was what I did all throughout college!

But here's the thing--there was no one around that I felt safe with. At Cabrini, after my first year, there were always one or two people that I felt comfortable enough around to kind of let my guard down with, which made it easier to flourish. It's been a month and I still haven't been able to completely let my guard down and let myself out. I don't feel like myself. It's a much bigger challenge than I had counted on. But I'll get to all of that later...

So while Camp St. Francis (where our orientation took place) was a safe place to meet everyone and relax before being thrown into the year I never got to the comfortable place where I felt safe to really socialize. Everyone in the Santa Clara Program Office is fantastic and my housemates are great, but it is one of my personal challenges this year to force myself not to retreat into myself like I used to always do in high school and early on in college. I don't want to be that person again--but I have really felt like it in the last month. I feel like that at work, too, and I should have known that it would be more challenging than I expected it to be. I mean, part of why I am doing JVC is to learn how to better relate to people and overcome these fears, but I didn't realize how much baggage I was still carrying with me every day.

But anyway--the camp! Boy was it a beautiful place, that definitely helped me acclimate a little bit. The views were simply incredible.

I have realized lately I find a lot of solace in the outside world. I love being in nature, being surrounded by the vastness of everything. Standing at the ocean and simply being in awe of how small I am. It brings me immense peace knowing there is something so much larger than me out there. I feel God's presence a great deal in those moments.

Being on the beach was a surreal experience, I've never been on the Pacific before. And the sky! Man, at night on the beach the stars were simply beautiful. I love just staring into the sky for the same reason I love being at the edge of the ocean. I have learned to find God a lot more recently in the world around me.

I spent a lot of time in prayer during orientation. Partially because we began every morning in prayer, partially because I simply needed it to keep myself from feeling so alone. But being surrounded by such beauty gave me a great chance to simply be--something that I think I needed at the beginning of this year. Everything for me was a chance to find God and connect with that on a deeper level than I have thought about in a long time. I reflected a lot about my place, about my relationship with my faith and spirituality and how I relate to it. I found myself often simply standing at the cliff overlooking the beach, staring into the sky and centering myself in the idea that I am still connected to everyone I love so far away. We share the same sky; the same ocean; the same world. I share that with everyone. It's something I've never really thought about before but after that week I find peace in more and more.

The thing about orientation was, though, it never really felt like anything was different. It was such a familiar atmosphere. It felt like just another retreat; but it was necessary. It was nice to have that familiarity with the formula, it was something I knew and felt comfortable with. I slowly began to find a foothold among these new people, but it really was a process. It's a process I am not finished with. But I'll get there.

The first night we had mass on the beach, which was simply an awesome experience.  I mean that in the literal definition of awesome--something that inspires awe. It was one of those first moments where I really felt like this was something completely different from anything in my life. I don't remember what our priest said in his homily but it really helped me settle down after the rough travel day. There's something special about being in nature and communing with a group of strangers for a single purpose, all while the sun sets. That mass we also had a short prayer service where we tied ribbon around a cross as prayer intentions that will remain with us throughout our year and will follow us through our future retreats until the end of the year. I'm not usually much of one for symbolism but there was something cathartic about forming my prayers into something tangible. I've been shouldering a lot since the first day and dealing with insecurities I thought had  gone away years ago that I was completely blindsided by. I never once before the day I left thought about what would be hard for me or even that it would be hard. I thought I had overcome everything that could be an issue. And so that mass let me start the healing process a little bit. The process still continues. I don't think it will ever be complete, but that's OK. I came into this year expecting to challenge myself. It is simply a larger challenge than I thought.

Tying our prayer intentions to the cross

Mass on the beach

Looking back I don't regret dealing with my shyness, or needing time to adjust, because it also allowed me to focus on myself a great deal, which I sorely needed. It let me begin to explore my spirituality in a deep way, which is another big reason why I wanted JVC over other programs. The presentations and speakers gave us a lot of useful tips and a lot of warnings that we might not have even realized we needed at the time. Orientation was less about bonding with the rest of the JVs (though that was part of it) and more about giving each of us something we all needed: time to focus on ourselves and our reasons for doing this program. If anything the hardships have strengthened my resolve; the time I received for reflection has made me more determined to overcome my challenges. And though everything for me is still in the beginning stage I'm not afraid I won't get there. I have to own my insecurities and fears in order to work on them. I had to meet them head-on all at once, but it doesn't mean I have to fix it all over night. I simply have to let myself feel my emotions...something I've never been good at.

There are still a lot of personal struggles. I'm going to talk about that a lot more in the next post about what the time in LA itself has been like, but for now I'll leave it with the fact that I am, ultimately, grateful for this opportunity despite the difficulties. Maybe even partially because of them; I think I am already discovering new things about myself and important lessons which I arrogantly thought I had already learned. 

But for now...more pictures!

Casa Dorothy Kazel at the Commissioning Mass

The California sun takes some getting used to...Even up north where it's chilly

The Santa Clara Office JVs! Basically all of us in California.

Why Write?

"This is praying time, and the act of listening in prayer is the same act as listening in writing.”

~Madeleine L’Engle"

So. It has been my intention to write something at least every week--write about things happening, write about a theme, a question. I haven't given much overview of what's happened so far--but is that really the point? I imagine I'll get to it at some point.

Many people when they start this kind of journey say "I'll start a blog...I'll keep people up to date or vent." The written word is a powerful and wonderful tool. My abilities with it are one of the few things that I am very proud of myself for. I write for more than just letting people know what's going on. I've been meaning to journal as well-- I haven't been doing that as much as I'd like. Things have been so up-in-the-air nonstop crazy I haven't been able to sit down and digest or reflect. I don't want to write just to write about what I did or give an outline of what I'm doing. Perhaps that will happen, but I write because I must.

Writing is personal, it is an extension of one's true self, their inner-being. When we write, our guard comes down--the act of solidifying our experience into a visible representation makes us vulnerable, allows the words to be shared--either with others or simply with the page. Either way, writing allows us to express where spoken words might fail.

Last year at Cabrini we started a Prayer 101 program--one of the things I discovered in that experience was that anything can be prayer with the right intention. Our actions can be prayer, our day-to-day experience can be prayer (the Jesuits and St. Ignatius are big fans of this, I've learned--"God in all things.") I did a session on journaling and did some research on what people had to say about journaling as prayer, and it made me realize even more deeply why writing is so important to me. Even if I am not writing out prayers or reflecting on scripture, my writing can be a prayer if I am making myself open to God. My fiction can be a prayer, this blog entry can be a prayer.

And so, in this new year and this new and frankly quite scary journey I will need to write--to share, to make myself vulnerable to God and to others, because that is the only way I will be able to find the strength to prevail. We have to allow ourselves to be weak in order to overcome. I open myself up in this act of writing in order to persevere.

In my preparation for that journaling prayer session at Cabrini I found this quote that puts it into words better than I ever could:

I write with brutal, tear-stained honesty the agony of right now because when the path is easy, it is also easy to forget the pain so deep that one cannot breathe...

I journal because one day someone will follow behind me, and when they are in the place of such pain their very being is filled with it, I don't want to forget where they are or how they feel. I don't want to forget the desperate need of a kind word, a soft shoulder, and a loving touch.

I never want to add wounds because I have forgotten the pain of my own.

I journal so I can understand where people are by where I've been and recall the hand of God in my heartache so I can be His hands in theirs.

-Jerri Phillips